Blogs, Articles & Long Reads

DISCLAIMER: Narcissists are not all male. Using male pronouns to reference the narcissist and female pronouns to reference the victim-survivor is not an indication of the clinical data on gender in narcissism, but rather an editorial choice. This blog is written for female survivors of male perpetrators.

WhatHappenedToYou, MindfulnessHealing Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia WhatHappenedToYou, MindfulnessHealing Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia

A Mindful Approach to Recovery Maintenance

We have grown past the necessary self-focused stage of trauma recovery and are looking outwards again, noticing things we previously took for granted. We might experience horror, aversion or renewed despair when we see the world as it really is, now that our bubbles have burst.

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Recovery, PsychoEducation Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia Recovery, PsychoEducation Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia

CBT for Later Stage Recovery

Trauma feeds the tendency towards distorted thinking leading to emotional disregulation. The antidote is in mindful awareness (being able to notice our thoughts and tolerate our emotions) and choosing self-compassion and the Middle Way (from Buddhist Psychology) instead.

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Recovery, WhatHappenedToYou Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia Recovery, WhatHappenedToYou Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia

Is it Contagious?

Survivors of narcissistic abuse can develop anxieties that they have developed a personality disorder as a result of their abuse. Causation is the difference. Trauma can heal, narcissism is pathological.

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Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia

Disenfranchised Grief

Break ups from narcissists and psychopaths induce a unique form of grief - disenfranchised grief. This is why.

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Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia

How Gender Dynamics Influence Abuse Dynamics

You’d be forgiven for thinking that character disorders such as narcissism and psychopathy explained every instance of bad behaviour under the sun.

Before we go casting every person we know as highly narcissistic, we need to discern the difference between character disorder and seasonal mental illness.

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PsychoEducation, Recovery Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia PsychoEducation, Recovery Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia

Education & Awakening

Education. Serious and painful study. Coming to terms with the fact of Dark Triad humans. Caution. This stage can take a long time (years), and be extremely triggering, running parallel to phases to come. Tread carefully.

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MindfulnessHealing, PsychoEducation, WhatHappenedToYou Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia MindfulnessHealing, PsychoEducation, WhatHappenedToYou Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia

Shame

Peeling the layers of the onion after a relationship with a narcissistic sociopath keeps you crying until the very last layer has been peeled away. It's the maze of smoke and mirrors he has employed over an extended period of time to wrongly convict you that sinks you. The pain of the shame snare is perhaps greater than the original loss.

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WhatHappenedToYou, Recovery Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia WhatHappenedToYou, Recovery Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia

Secondary Trauma

There is a weird phenomenon. By blaming the victim. By pointing out how they brought it on themselves. By telling them to 'get over it'. By telling them we don't want to know about their troubles because we have troubles of our own. By relieving ourselves of our duty as family and friends to support and empower rather than belittle and demean, we can cause secondary trauma.

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PsychoEducation, WhatHappenedToYou, NarcissisticSociopath Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia PsychoEducation, WhatHappenedToYou, NarcissisticSociopath Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia

Betrayal Trauma

Betrayal trauma is one of the most severe forms of psychological trauma that a human can undergo, yet it is un-acknowledged in our culture (aside from childhood betrayal). This lack of recognition can lead to those betrayed having their trauma minimised and demeaned, thus leading to secondary trauma. Betrayal is a wound to the soul: a deep moral injury.

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Recovery Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia Recovery Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia

Stage 1 of Recovery

Traditionally, there are thought to be three stages to trauma recovery across the spectrum of survivors of rape, domestic abuse, torture, and combat. The first stage is restoration of safety. The second stage is remembrance and mourning. The third stage is reconnection with ordinary life.

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Recovery Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia Recovery Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia

The Stages of Acceptance

If we try to answer this question through the lens of Buddhist psychology, we could distil the answer down to one word: resistance.

For almost all of us, the crisis is not only circumstantial but existential. We have lost our innocence and woken up to the fact that the world (including humankind) is not the way we thought it was or the way we’d like it to be.

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Recovery Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia Recovery Margot MacCallum, Narcissistic Abuse Counsellor Australia

The Role of Repetition Compulsion in Victimisation

Many victims are unconsciously drawn again and again to reconstruct the circumstances in which the original trauma occurred. It is as if the victim tries to re-write the story of their past so that it didn’t happen the way they remember it (as having a devastating and debilitating outcome).

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