Stage 1 of Recovery
Unpacking Stage 1 of Shannon Thomas’s Stages of Recovery into Practical Mindful Steps
This blog is written for female survivors of male perpetrators.
Traditionally, there are thought to be three stages to trauma recovery across the spectrum of survivors of rape, domestic abuse, torture, and combat. The first stage is restoration of safety. The second stage is remembrance and mourning. The third stage is reconnection with ordinary life.
“Like any abstract concept, these stages are a convenient fiction, not to be taken too literally”
Anger, helplessness and hopelessness, by the way, are also reactions common to survivors of trauma (just in case you were thinking it was only you and shaming yourself for being that way).
Shannon Thomas, author, proposes six distinct stages for survivors of covert psychological narcissistic abuse. Here, I unpack those stages and suggest Mindful ways to cope with a long and bumpy recovery.
Despair: the realization that life has become unmanageable. (Shannon Thomas)
Sudden (disenfranchised) abandonment or separation grief. Shock. Disbelief. Anger. Bargaining. Anguish at the devastating extent of loss and kicking ourselves for investing more and more in a source that produced fewer and fewer returns. We were metaphorically raped, plundered and left lying in the gutter. Possible horror and terror at witnessing the mask of the narcopath drop - the monster revealing itself as a sudden personality change.
Start basic self-care immediately. Go wherever you can feel safe. Take care not to abandon yourself at this early stage. Allow time for self-compassionate, self-soothing practices. Try this mantra (repeated silently at moments of despair)
“This is a moment of suffering.
Suffering is a part of life.
May I give myself the compassion I need.”
Diversionary tactics by staying on top of practical matters. He's probably left us: homeless, jobless, broke, sick, in debt, with a new baby, or in a new country, with a business in chaos, family and friends poisoned by malicious gossip and us without a support network : in short, trapped and powerless.
Just put one foot in front of the other. It’s all you can do. Organise a safe haven, where he can't stalk you, gaslight you or reel you back in with his Dr Jekyll act, and where he doesn't have flying monkeys to act as third party informants. Change the locks. Change your online passwords for bank accounts, social media accounts, insurances, car registration. Prioritise your own self-protection from this moment onwards.
This is big. Really big. This is not a normal break up. Concentrate as hard as you can on each practical task as you do it. Bring your mind back time and again to the here and now, so that there is less ‘thinking space’ for ruminating on the betrayal story. Acknowledge that this is really hard and you are doing the best you can. If you can’t get out of bed, don’t beat yourself up about it.
Set up a new structure of routine and discipline. The unexpected shattering of our lives has sent us into a tailspin. Provide what structure you can within which to operate under extreme pressure for the next little while – a routine. Regular meals, bedtime etc can make managing anguish and grief do-able. A few sit-ups, a daily swim, whatever can give you a tiny sense of achievement. It might provide a small win inside an avalanche of losses. Getting through the next bit with a structured schedule feels more achievable than coping with a huge blank canvas of emptiness ahead of you. This is a well-recognised antidote to acute anxiety and depression. Small steps. Think small. Keep bringing your mind back from the enormity of loss to the small things that need doing, one at a time. If you still have a job, you are one of the luckier ones.
Anxiety or depression management. Dealing with the obsessive thoughts of injustice and betrayal. Learning to bear the weight of suffering that feels like it’s drowning us. Try the Mindfulness technique of Pendulation, described in Margot MacCallum’s book, or ask your therapist to teach it to you. If the pain is overwhelming, learn techniques to help you tolerate pain. Seek professional help for grief, loss and betrayal if you can afford it. ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) is an ideal mindfulness-based therapeutic tool for trauma.
BOOKS THAT EXPLAIN THE PERSONALITY DISORDER, AND LEGACY OF TOXIC CONNECTION (TRAUMA)
“Power. Surviving & Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse”, Shahida Arabi, Thought Catalogue Books, 2017
“Healing From Hidden Abuse”, Shannon Thomas, Mast Publishing House, 2016
“Taming Toxic People : The science of identifying & dealing with psychopaths at work & at home”, David Gillespie, Pan Macmillan Australia, 2017
“Trauma and Recovery – The Aftermath of Violence From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror”, Judith Herman, M.D., Basic Books, 2015 (Trigger Warning)
‘HOW TO’ BOOKS FOR RECOVERING FROM TRAUMA
“Healing the Trauma of Psychological Abuse – A Lived Experience Roadmap to a Mindful Recovery”, Margot MacCallum, Balboa Press, 2018
“Radical Acceptance – Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha”, Tara Brach, Ph.D., Random House, 2004
“The Happiness Trap”, Dr Russ Harris, Exisle Publishing, 2008 (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy)
CASE STUDIES OF NARCISSISTIC ABUSE SYNDROME (TRIGGER WARNING)
“I Am Free. Healing stories about surviving toxic relationships with narcissists and sociopaths”, Bree Bonchay, LCSW, 2016 (This is a book full of case studies. There is actually nothing about how to heal that is implied in the title. If you find other people’s stories about the terrible things their psychological abusers did to them helpful, then this is the book for you.)
