Betrayal Trauma
This blog is written for female survivors of male perpetrators.
“Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here”. The words over the gate at the entry to Hell in Dante’s Inferno. Where betrayers are frozen in ice for all eternity. Not only as punishment for their crimes, but to save others from the suffering they inflict with their compulsive perfidy. Ironically, “frozen in ice” is just one near-adequate description of the profound human suffering that the betrayed must go through as a result of a massive betrayal of trust by the person most trusted and beloved.
Betrayal trauma is one of the most severe forms of psychological trauma that a human can undergo, yet it is un-acknowledged in our culture (aside from childhood betrayal). This lack of recognition can lead to those betrayed having their trauma minimised and demeaned, thus leading to secondary trauma. Betrayal is a wound to the soul: a deep moral injury.
We might wish he was dead after the abandonment, so that we can get closure and properly grieve. We might wish we had cancer, so that others would understand the enormity of our confusion, helplessness and hopelessness and offer support instead of pressure to ‘get over it’. We might lose all sense of who we are, since we slowly come to realise - painful disclosure after painful disclosure - that everything we relied upon and built our lives around was a lie – right from the very start.
Our futures are lost, and our pasts were all built upon lies, which shatters our ego and self-image into a thousand pieces. We can’t trust him, we can’t trust ourselves, and as we are greeted with judgement, criticism and blame from our family and friends, we suddenly can’t trust anyone at all. It is utterly devastating.
Narcissistic betrayal isn’t just about the sexual betrayal of adultery. The narcopath betrays those in their intimate lives psychologically, emotionally, financially, socially and professionally. Betrayal by a manipulative exploitative narcopath is unfathomably profound. And invisible to most others except the victim at the time of abandonment.
The trauma arises out of our natural autonomic nervous system response. Instead of fight or flight, our gentle souls tend to choose ‘freeze’ so as to do no harm to our beloved other. So as to ‘do the right thing’. If we never get to complete this defence response by fighting or running, the trauma can stay lodged in our beings and turn into a long-term post-traumatic stress disorder of one kind or another.
Psychological manipulation renders us powerless, then trauma can render us helpless and hopeless as a result. This particular trauma is caused by targeting and victimisation by one of nature’s natural predators, make no mistake.
None of us chooses our own victimisation.
Victims of profound betrayal lean towards descriptions of the betrayer as ‘evil’, ‘the Devil’, ‘a human parasite’, ‘a vampire’, or ‘soul thief’ having to rely on archaic or mythological concepts to describe the enormity of their grief and anguish - because describing the harm done to them by another is so great as to almost surpass words.
You are not to blame for your anguish and grief, my friends.
You are not permanently nuts, and you will not find explanations for your unrecognisable symptoms in a psychological disorder such as (you having) borderline, schizophrenia, or psychopathy. You are experiencing compound betrayal trauma. Hang in there. You can get through this.
“I think you can see that a dilemma of profound consequences is set up if the people who are supposed to love and protect us are also the ones that hurt, humiliate, and violate us. This sets up a double bind that undermines people’s basic sense of self and trust in their own instincts”
Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness - what we in the first world so pejoratively try to define by the lame term, 'powerlessness' - are feelings that can break us down into a Hell of frozen time. One profound betrayal so often leads to more. As the betrayed, we can then suffer the pecked chook phenomenon. The strange urge in the human psyche to take advantage of those who are powerless to defend themselves.
The rush of criticism, judgement, blame and out and out betrayal that can consume victims of betrayal is a frequently reported phenomenon by those with lived experience. Minimised again in PTSD recovery literature as “lack of support”. I can attest to it personally. Profound betrayal by the person in whom we have placed our deepest trust sets off a chain reaction in the people around us.
Betrayal most foul, followed by public humiliation.
If you are deeply traumatised after your betrayal by a narcopath, let yourself off the hook. Don’t join the queue of people who minimise and demean your experience. Honour it. Please don’t shame yourself or blame yourself for it.
You are not to blame!
This is not a normal break up where 50% of the responsibility lies with you.
Betrayal trauma can be deeper and more profound than being assaulted or having a car accident or even the death of a loved one. If further betrayal and humiliation doesn't happen to you after your narcopath destroys you, you can count yourself amongst the lucky ones. And look away now…..
©Margot MacCallum 2021
Useful References
BOOK AND CD FOR DIY TRAUMA HEALING
"Healing Trauma: A Pioneering Program for Restoring the Wisdom of Your Body", Levine, Peter A., Sounds True, Boulder, Colarado, 2008
STEP BY STEP GUIDE TO TRAUMA RECOVERY
“Healing from Trauma: A Survivor's Guide to Understanding Your Symptoms and Reclaiming Your Life”, Jasmin Lee Cori
RECOVERY FROM ABUSE VIA BUDDHIST PSYCHOLOGY
“Healing the Trauma of Psychological Abuse”, Margot MacCallum
