Secondary Trauma
The Strange Phenomenon of The Pecked Chicken Chain Reaction
This blog is written for female survivors of male perpetrators.
There is a weird phenomenon we all easily identify as that thing that makes us all slow down and gawk as we pass a car accident. Or take us into the favelas in Rio or the settlements outside Johannesburg with our cameras cocked to empower ourselves with the knowledge that it is not we who must endure the suffering of poverty, humiliation or degradation.
It is in us. It is in the people around us. The drive to lift ourselves up, to make ourselves feel safe, secure and powerful by observing the shame and humiliation of those less fortunate than ourselves.
It is called Schadenfreude.
By blaming the victim. By pointing out how they brought it on themselves. By telling them to 'get over it'. By telling them we don't want to know about their troubles because we have troubles of our own. By relieving ourselves of our duty as family and friends to support and empower rather than belittle and demean the suffering of our kin.
But there will be those who do not shun us, blame and criticise us, climb over our shattered being in their dedicated drive to reach a better place than us. It is those people and places that we most need to find from our place of helplessness and hopelessness after profound (and inevitable) betrayal by a narcissistic sociopath.
And the very first empowering act available to us from that place is to regain some control over our shattered minds and bodies. To control the urge to 'act out' - to lash out with defensive harsh speech, to throw the second punch. To lessen and quietly endure the suffering of having a flee/fight/ freeze cave-man nervous system that is stuck in overdrive.
Our natural urge is to try to escape the suffering. To latch on to anyone or anything that will act as a rope to drag us out of Hell. There is a simple little story that illustrates what we encounter whilst down the abyss.
We are stuck down the abyss, crying for help. Sympathy comes along and peers down the hole. Sympathy says, "oh you poor thing, you are so helpless and powerless, how on earth are you ever going to get out of that hole?" And before long, sympathy is down the hole with you.
Antipathy comes along and says, " oh look at you stuck down that hole. What a lousy position to be in. Glad it's not me. Not my problem" and walks away.
Then empathy comes along, and seeing you stuck down a hole, finds a rope, ties it to a tree and throws it to you so that you can drag yourself out , and sticks around shouting words of encouragement as you embark on your journey skyward.
My point is this. Beware of latching on too quickly when empathy appears.
There is the person who resembles empathy. Who will throw you a rope. For a fee. And you will, of course, pay anything for that rope. But instead of tying it to a tree, they tie it to a stick and it gives way, sending you back down into the abyss when you have barely begun to struggle your way out. (In my case, I found this in expensive mental health retreats, wounding healers and incompetent education providers and lawyers that made promises they had no capacity to fulfill.)
And there is the person who resembles empathy. Who will throw you a rope for no fee. And after you have dragged yourself up, will then keep you enslaved to the memory of their kindness and use the debt you owe them to control and abuse you. (In my case, this was a narcissistic friend who gave me a roof over my head and then insisted that the favour be returned a hundred fold, and abused me for my ungratefulness when a hundred fold wasn't enough).
So betrayal sets off a chain reaction in many cases. Not all, I hope. I can only speak to my own experience and those I have studied. I'm so sorry if reading this is leading you to despair. Or crippling you with fear. If it is, stand up, walk away, turn your face from suffering if the reading of it is too much to bear at this stage of your trauma……….
The Dark Night of the Soul is an experience that has been written about ever since St John of The Cross first described the phenomenon in the Middle Ages. It is a journey through Hell, through the underworld.
But it IS a journey.
It does lead somewhere, much as it might not feel like it while we are undergoing such a trial by fire. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and reason for hope once we glimpse that light. But we must first journey in the dark for some time.
How long does this journey take? Psychologists cannot answer this question, as their professionalism prevents them from doing so. They are confined to the, "it takes as long as it takes" answer. As a specialist narcissistic abuse counsellor, allow me to answer that question for you. Anywhere between three to twenty years, depending on the causes and conditions around you.
I could lie and tell you my healing programme will fix you in six sessions but…..
I have read or heard various personal accounts of this journey into the Dark Night of the Soul, and would argue that those descriptions of the journey that proclaim recovery within a year have mislabeled the journey they undertook.
I don't say this to invite even more misery and despair in the reader, but as both warning and encouragement to fellow travellers through the dark veil.
Now is the time to prioritise your mental health recovery up the very top of your list.
Now is the time to be gentle and kind to yourself.
Now is the time to be honest and brave and step up to the plate of inhabiting the most authentic version of yourself possible: to discover strengths and beliefs and roadblocks to happiness that you never knew you had.
Take heart. Whatever is the strong tree to which your rescue rope is finally tied, you will become more empowered, more wise, more brave, more resilient than you ever thought possible.
My tree was Buddhist psychology. At first I searched for my habitual Christian tree, but found there was no big babysitter in the sky to look after me.
Loss of faith is another commonly described reaction to betrayal trauma. You are not the only one suffering a loss of faith! And some of my Christian friends were the most judgmental, critical and blaming of all. Here is a book that describes how Christian Faith was the rope for someone else.
“Love and the Mystery of Betrayal: Recovering Your Trust and Faith after Trauma, Deception, and Loss of Love”, West County Press, Sandra Lee Dennis, 2014
I found no one and nothing could save me but myself, and the Buddha and his teachers have walked that path to redemption and awakening for thousands of years. And I eventually found people who have walked the path or a different road-less-travelled out of betrayal trauma.
Embarking on this path, observing a few simple vows before I was even certain that they would work to relieve my suffering and the suffering of those around me, was the best thing that ever happened to me. I took hold of a rope that was tied to diligence, generosity, equanimity and loving-kindness.
That rope and that tree were solid. Which is perhaps why I now write with such evangelical fervour. Emerging from the fire with buckets of water for those still in it.
These words might sound moralistic, but for me, they were a simple practical rope to grasp to drag myself out of the abyss. This site is intended as a rope that I throw to you, my readers.
©Margot MacCallum 2021
Buddhist Psychology Links & References
THE BETRAYAL TRAUMA SURVIVORS’ ‘BIBLE’
“When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times “, Pema Chodron, Shambala Classics, 2000
HOW TO BE YOUR OWN THERAPIST
Australian Buddhist Dharma Teacher, Ven Robina Courtin on How to be Your Own Therapist
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nasIq4E9nNg&index=10&list=FLXSf4GM-N3Be6O8gMULNpxw
EXPLORING THE SHADOW
Jack Kornfield, Trudy Goodman
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=woHkEBBJDM8
HOW TO FORGIVE BETRAYAL
Jack Kornfield: The Ancient Heart of Forgiveness
