No Contact Or Limited Contact?
TRIGGER WARNING: Descriptions of the cruelty born of zero empathy can be extremely distressing to read.
This blog is written for female survivors of male perpetrators.
When a narcopath marries his mistress, he creates a job vacancy.......
We keep communicating after he leaves, because we are still labouring under the illusion that he cares, that he has a place for us in his heart, like a normal person.
We loved and trusted him and placed him at the centre of our universe. But he is personality disordered. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
So, it can take a while to accept he just doesn't care. He never loved us. We were just a passing obsession he stayed with because we were a convenient source of supply. His interest in us ended the day he gained our absolute commitment. From then onwards, it was just about what he could 'get'. He only cares about his image, and he loves no one but himself.
Even then, love, for him, is just a word. It is a word that can be bandied about willy nilly to flatter and manipulate people. A word to be liberally applied in poetry. The concept of love, for him, is not the enduring bond of respectful mutual care that we think of, but that ephemeral idealised bleep that is the honeymoon phase of a romance.
His urge to live perpetually inside the honeymoon phase is what drives his repetition compulsion of using and discarding people. Rinse and repeat. Blame the woman for everything – project his own faults and moral shortcomings onto her - and project all his hopes and dreams onto the next one.
Every time he marries his mistress, so to speak, he creates a job vacancy. But he fails to recognise this, so strings his most recent unfortunate partner along until she runs out of resources for him to live off, becomes ill or realises she is essentially being scammed. Used.
Why does this site and almost every other Narcissistic Abuse support site recommend NO CONTACT?
Because he gets a buzz out of inflicting pain on YOU.
He gets a buzz out of appearing like the sweetest guy in public while he abuses you in private.
He gets a buzz out of humiliating you.
He gets a buzz out of saying one thing and doing another and watching your struggle with confusion.
He gets a buzz out of slandering you to your friends and family and watching your suffering as they treat you with contempt suspicion disgust.
He gets a buzz out of seeing, reading about or hearing about your despair and anguish.
He gets a buzz out of destroying your life by legally taking your home, your money and your children through manipulation of the legal process.
He gets a buzz out of seeing you beg.
He gets a buzz out of convincing you to leave your job, burn your bridges, believe his promises to support you and then leave when you were completely hobbled and dependent on him.
He gets a buzz out of seeing others side with him when he tells them you are a liar.
He gets a buzz out of getting you drunk and then telling everyone he married an alcoholic.
He gets a buzz out of goading you into a hurt angry response and then telling everyone you are abusive.
He gets a buzz out of placing your life in danger with risky situations and watching you weep with fear.
He gets a buzz out of controlling your finances and spending your money in ways you don't agree with.
He gets a buzz out of tricking you into believing his stories filled with lies that make him look like a poor hapless victim who needs your love and support.
He gets a buzz out of convincing you to dump or attack your friends knowing you will have to struggle to cope alone and unsupported when he abandons you.
He gets a buzz out of convincing others you are a hypochondriac and your illness is just to get the sympathy vote.
He gets a buzz out of scamming you.
He gets a buzz out of stroking your dog then chastising it, so it comes back cowering, just like you.
He gets a buzz out of winning at any cost. In fact, the higher the cost to you, the more fun the game.
He gets a buzz out of wearing a convincing mask of a kind, gentle, polite, sensitive guy to cover his true hidden nature.
He gets a buzz out of driving you to suicide - the ultimate power and control.
He gets a buzz out of tearing your life apart.
And then he calls that love.
Yes, people like that really do exist.
Do you really need more reason to go NO CONTACT?
Grey Rock Method of Limited Contact
All the above having been said, it is simply not always possible to go NO CONTACT with our psychological abuser. Co-parenting is a classic example. Co-owning a business or property. Any number of reasons might make it impossible for you. Never fear. It is still possible for you to wriggle your way out of the trauma bonding and emotional entanglement that leads to the abuser manipulating your world with power and control over you. Or destroy you.
As you move through despair; learn about the methods of psychological abuse and the personality disorder; manage your symptoms and regain control over your emotions, creating a safer distance with your abuser will become possible. When you tighten up those weak boundaries that have been part of your people-pleasing strategy all your life. Other narcabuse bloggers describe the GREY ROCK method really well (spelt GRAY in the US if you want to Google it). Try this one…..
http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/going-gray-rock/
Essentially, it is about changing the nature of your conversations and interactions with the abuser (and other narcs in your life). You learn to see the manipulative word salads that once bated you, or emotionally blackmailed you into doing what he wanted (using your soft spots and love of him against you). Abusers don't abuse every day after all. That's how intermittent reinforcement works. But instead of playing into their game, you start to withhold, refrain, abstain, decline.
You only discuss the most mundane matters. You stop disagreeing or trying to explain your point of view. You stop defending yourself. You stop hoping or expecting him to be a decent honourable human being. He is not. Never will be. He is not going to wake up and see what an arsehole he is, feel remorse about it and make amends. Not going to happen.
So you stop asking 'how high ?' when he tells you to jump. You stop being agreeable and smoothing things over. You stop sharing your plans, goals, ambitions, hopes. Or your fears and insecurities. You don't mention the big event or birthday or job interview he’ll ruin for you. You have a Plan B for him stealing the focus on the first day of school or Speech Day. You keep your answers clipped, polite and hide your frustration with a smile. You become so boring to him that he no longer looks to you for supply. Yes, he'll turn his toxicity onto someone else, but that is really not your responsibility. He'll tell the world you're turning the kids against him, whether you try to protect them from seeing his true nature or not. You cannot prevent it with your compassion and empathy. You have to pick your battles.
While you turn inwards and start the climb out of the abyss. While you find any methods that will work towards your own recovery emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually, socially and financially.
Recommended Reading on…
…Breaking a Trauma Bond
http://neuroinstincts.com/no-contact-support-help-trauma-bond/
…The Neuro-Chemistry of Early Recovery
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/neurosagacity/201701/the-brain-can-work-against-abuse-victims
