Shame - The Second Arrow

Why are victims ashamed and shamed by our culture?

Image by Keagen Henman

There is a lingering factor in the aftermath of abuse that is difficult to grasp. Shame. It's a big issue. There are people who make a living from researching it, writing about it and doing TED talks about it. What is this weird human conundrum that makes the survivors of combat, domestic abuse, violent assaults and rape feel shame?

Surely it should be the other way around? The perpetrator should be ashamed for causing so much harm and injury to another. But somehow, that's not how it works. Perpetrators of narcopathic abuse, violence, rape and betrayal have no empathy for the people they use, and justify their own behaviour by blaming the victim.

And only the shock jocks will name and shame them, not the ‘system’. We get that - if we bother to think about it, which most of us don't. Most of us just drop the subject about the time we get stuck in incredulity.  "How could someone do that to someone else? Oh well, not my problem."

Shame lingers. Here's my take on it.

Victim-survivors (of narcissistic abuse trauma), from the outside, can look like people who deserve the blame that is cast their way. They can be angry, resentful, bitter, grumpy, non-sensical, incompetent, acting-out, forgetful and have difficulty controlling all the above. We want them to 'get over it', to 'keep calm and carry on', to 'grin and bear it'.

And when they don't, we say there is something intrinsically wrong with them. They are weak, broken, useless. We assume they just aren't normal and we can't blame others for dumping them, ignoring them, gossiping about them and stigmatising them. And the victims themselves automatically feel enormous shame for struggling with uncomfortable human emotions in the first place.

Buddhists call this 'the second arrow'. It is the arrow we shoot at ourselves for having been wounded by the first.

All of us who are not narcopaths have felt shame. And it is very difficult for us to grasp how anyone could never feel shame or remorse. When we are daily plagued by it, we need to search long and hard for methods of recovery.

Here, I share one woman’s shame journey and the antidotes that to chip away at it, bit by bit.

Janet is a conscientious person (like so many victims of narcissistic abuse). In the aftermath, she began to struggle with avoidance of important or necessary tasks. She was conditioned with the 'Protestant Work Ethic', but many days she couldn’t manage to force herself out of bed. Or she’d force herself and then cave in and go back to bed, grateful that there was no one around to witness this as laziness and judge her for it. But she still judged herself for it, and had to use the time in bed to work through letting herself off the shame hook.

Janet could sleep anywhere. Planes, trains, automobiles or under a table at a party. Now she woke in a sweaty frightened mess twice a night. She formerly recovered from grief, disappointment, loss or betrayal quickly - the vacuum quickly filled with positive accomplishment and stasis restored. Now, the ugliness that arose from her subconscious mind was so repellent that she felt ashamed for even dreaming up such shocking stuff.

She felt deep shame at her inability to recover after three years. If she expressed herself to a trusted friend, she later felt shame at having exposed herself in that way. Too much information. The second arrow.

 Janet had always been highly principled by comparison with a lot of people around her. A life-long Church-goer who got the odd kick out of being rebellious. Just a bit naughty. She used to get a buzz out of toking on a fag when it was forbidden, then toking on a joint, casual sex. All mainstream behaviour nowadays. There were a few occasions when the single man she shagged turned out to be married, and she bore the shame that should have been his. Also mainstream behaviour now.

When her husband suddenly left a few months after a shrink told him he was likely Asperger's (a common misdiagnosis for psychopaths), her shame reservoir convinced her that it was punishment from God or karma for her own adultery in the past. She shamed herself. And voila! She was overwhelmed by the whole madness of the human condition, and had to struggle her way out of helplessness and hopelessness again. Right back where she started.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?

Credit to ThePresentPsychologist

So, here’s what works for me:

• Pause

• Make time right now – right while you are in the grip of shame – to take 5 minutes to chip away at it. (Go to the loo if in a public place)

• Sit. Get grounded & centred

• Breathe consciously and rest your awareness on what’s happening in your body. Where is it tight, painful, hot, cold etc? A body scan.

• Shift your breathing (by using the imagination) to breathe cleansing air into that part of the body that is most uncomfortable.

• Notice the thoughts that arise when trying to concentrate on your body.

• Contact self-compassion.

• Contact your ‘refuge’ or feeling of safety – imagine people, places, spiritual figureheads or concepts like light, warmth etc that can soothe and calm us

• Atone. “I’m sorry I did that. I’ll take care not to do it again.” Or, "I'm sorry that happened. May it not happen again."

• Contact self-forgiveness.

• Let yourself off the hook. “I am doing my best. I am not a bad person. I love and nurture this innocent child deep inside me. It’s in the past. Right now, I’m OK”.

• Go back to the day, even if it feels a bit unresolved. It might not be the last time you revisit the same story of shame to chip away at it.

• There is plenty of time. This is what recovery means. It takes time.

©Margot MacCallum 2023