Narcopath or Garden-Variety Jerk
Just How Dangerous Is Your Ex?
This blog is written for female survivors of male perpetrators.
The narcopathic behaviours of ghosting (not responding to texts, emails, calls from a partner) is increasingly becoming adopted as ‘normal’ acceptable behaviour in interpersonal relationships. It sucks.
Ironically, it’s the first advice most therapists will give you if you’re struggling as a victim or survivor of Narcissistic Abuse. For conscientious communicators – it can be difficult advice to accept – since they know how painful it is to be stonewalled by a manipulative other.
Other deceptive and manipulative behaviours are also present in some break-ups. Lying about the affair, planning a departure for a long time beforehand without discussing any dissatisfaction with the spouse. There is even a syndrome that is now recognised in countries other than Australia – behind, as ever – Sudden Wife Abandonment Syndrome.
http://lakelegal.co.uk/spousal-abandonment-syndrome/
I see people who think an entitled person must be a psychopath or narcissist based on several toxic behaviours of abusive or manipulative people. And, of course, an official diagnosis of malignant narcissism or psychopathy cannot be made by anyone other than a qualified Clinical Psychologist - and then, only when the toxic person is their client, not the victim/survivor.
BUT, Dark Triad types make notoriously bad candidates for therapy (the problem is always someone else), are notoriously difficult to diagnose (because they present as Mr Perfect to an audience), and can be misdiagnosed as Asperger's due to their profound lack of empathy.
So, if this question is still burning into you after trying to figure out what the Hell just happened to your beautiful partner, "Is he or isn’t he a narcopath?", I refer you again to the official diagnostic criteria and suggest that the major difference between a pathological narcissist and your average garden-variety jerk is this:
The jerk has some of the characteristics on the checklist. The narcopath has ALL of them. In particular, pathological lying.
The entitled egotistical jerk indulges in a few manipulative behaviours occasionally . The narcopath uses the whole arsenal with ever-increasing frequency for the duration of the relationship, and during and after the divorce process on everybody around him.
The jerk , suffering a mid-life crisis that he believes he can fix by dumping his wife and shacking up with a younger model, just wants to get on with feeling young and virile again; whereas a narcopath additionally wants to destroy you, inflicting as much emotional, psychological, reputational, financial damage as he possibly can before and after he leaves.
The jerk may eventually negotiate in good will. The narcopath will advertise his generous negotiating skills to the world, whilst blocking, deflecting, stealing, ghosting, stonewalling, triangulating and dragging the fun out in the mediation or court process until his ex is completely debilitated.
The jerk will stop behaving like a jerk when others witness the behaviour or call him to account. The narcopath is too skilful to have anyone recognise his behaviour or suspect him of being guilty of all the things he accuses his ex-wife of being.
The jerk might eventually admit, apologise and atone for his adultery, deception and abandonment, whereas a narcopath will never apologise (except for not being able to cope with ‘her issues’), never admit to having been in any way at fault, and will destroy the wife in order to deflect blame from himself.
The jerk is acting out from inner pain, grief and insecurity and has lost control of his behaviour. The narcopath is acting from a gratuitous desire to inflict pain, knows precisely just how much he is hurting the target, and gets great satisfaction from doing so.
Does he seem angry, distressed and anxious, or is he calm, calculated and charming. If he’s the latter, he is devoid of empathy and could well be a candidate for a clinical diagnosis of narcissism (or mistaken for Asperger’s).
© Margot MacCallum
