The Smear Campaign
Image by Peter Herrmann
Devalue & Destroy Phases of Narcissistic Abuse
This blog is written for female survivors of male perpetrators.
Scholarly studies and survivor forums all articulate the phenomenon of the smear campaign that is part of the malignant narcissist’s or sociopath’s toolkit. Their modus operandi. If you're like me, you might have sensed that the smear campaign had started because his friends and family had started to treat you with disdain, disrespect or downright rudeness before he left. After the separation, and once the works of fiction that are his sworn affidavits come through, you will know exactly the manner in which he has chosen to smear you - you'll read his character assassination of you with your very own eyes.
So will your lawyer (and then begin to doubt you as he/she struggles to be ‘impartial’). Mud sticks. The seed of doubt has been planted and people will search for ways to prove or disprove what they've heard. Usually, they will instantaneously take sides (believe or disbelieve the new information) and then look for ways to prove their decision right. To prove themselves right.
Unconscious cultural gender bias (misogyny) will pay a huge part in this.
“The need to reduce cognitive dissonance also strongly affects our reaction to new information. We like our biases confirmed and we are willing to manipulate and ignore incoming information to bring about that blessed state. This is so regular and strong as to have a name – the confirmation bias. In the words of one British politician, “I will look at any additional evidence to confirm the opinion to (sic) which I have already reached.”
So powerful is our tendency to rationalize that negative evidence is often immediately greeted with criticism, distortion, and dismissal so that not much dissonance need be suffered, nor change of opinion required.”
That's when you find out who your friends are. But that's a different story.
Essentially, you can be sure that the sociopath or malignant narcissist will fall back on an old practice of which they are possibly unconscious. A habit that has become second nature in their hidden identity as a user, con- artist and predator. A kind of flip side to the mirroring of the idealise phase (the grooming phase or setting-up-the-con phase). The exact opposite of pretending to share all your likes, habits and dislikes. They will describe you and your behaviour by using themselves and their foul covert behaviour as a template.
Reverse Attribution or DARVO in classic domestic abuse parlance (Deny. Accuse. Reverse Victim and Offender). Entitled jerks, supported by a culture deeply rooted in Patriarchy will also resort to vicious character assassination, but usually after the separation and in an attempt to wrestle custody over children by depicting the woman as an unfit mother. You can read about this on any domestic abuse website.
The jury is still out on whether it is a conscious process (a deliberate con), or an unconscious one (the result of being a pathological liar and without empathy for others). As the jigsaw pieces fall together with uncovering evidence – both legal and anecdotal - and your jaw drops further and further at just how deceitful and cruel this man you trusted can be, you can rest assured that he has and will describe YOU as a most deplorable human being. The Smear Campaign.
It is the simple manipulation of our human tendency to gossip, criticise and judge by feeding little or large pieces of misinformation that cast you, his victim in a negative light and make him out to be a hero in putting up with you. He will twist the truth - exaggerate and maximise any less-than-perfect behaviour that others might have witnessed, leading them to judge you harshly via their own unconscious biases – based on your class, your gender, your profession, your addictions, your weaknesses, your shame.
He will invent outright lies to cover his own infidelity, lies, cruelty, abuse. He will make huge omissions in the telling of the story of what happened. He will allow Mr Hyde to provide the storyline that Dr Jekyll will tell calmly, politely, gently, as if it were true. It is true for him because he believes his lies a nanosecond after he invents them. He will swear to it, hand on Bible.
He is a pathological liar under that mask.
Provoking or goading a victim and then video taping, audio recording or otherwise saving evidence of an angry, drunken or distressed response is another frequently-reported tactic used by emotional abusers to blame and shame their targets.
And we are utterly powerless to do anything in the face of his smear campaign. By the time he is finally ready to discard us, it is too late for us to defend ourselves. The damage to our personal relationships has been done and the seed of doubt has been sown in the minds of those around us.
The sociopathic smear campaign is a grown-up, more sophisticated version of the schoolyard practice of telling tales behind someone’s back (triangulation). And being perfectly sweet and charming to their face (dosing). When we experience first-hand the pain of the smear campaign, we can develop an acute awareness of just how dangerous gossip can be across a broader horizon than our own little life. And we learn to refrain from it. That is the only empowering act available to us.
I am aware of the irony contained within the telling of this story. Because describing an experience of a smear campaign by a sociopath looks for all the world like a smear campaign in itself. For many survivors of this kind of abuse, our first impulse was to defend, protect, forgive again and love our abuser. Keep our vows, or stay aligned with core values of loyalty, trust and honesty.
Many victims describe ways in which they go half-mad vacillating between believing Dr Jekyll would never do such a cruel thing and Mr Hyde has really done it. It is a trap in which many women find themselves and is part answer to the question of why women stay in abusive relationships. Cognitive dissonance – holding two conflicting beliefs at the same time. And trauma bonding - being psychologically addicted to our split-personality abuser.
As an empathic, sensitive, generous, honest and trusting soul that you most likely are as the target of a sociopath, it might be hard to imagine just what dreadful things he could have said about you in order to alienate so many people and convince the courts that it is YOU who needs to give HIM the house.
The worst that I could possibly imagine my narcopath would have said to damn me was that I was faking my need for a wheelchair and faking my condition of PTSD (being an actor and all) in order to gain the sympathy vote. But his lies were far more imaginative than any I could have envisioned. Far more damaging. He swore that I was an abusive, lying, and mentally unstable alcoholic who misused marijuana and cocaine – a description straight out of the psychopath’s handbook (a projection of his own deficiencies, that I would never have dreamed of 'dobbing him in' on).
I now know, after years in professional practice with survivors, that these false or grossly exaggerated accusations under oath and in social networks are common to all Dark Triad personalities, in both domestic and workplace contexts.
That list of accusations is likely to include that you are:
Lying about your personal and professional past
Lying about what happened during the course of your relationship
An habitual liar
An habitual thief
Dependent on and abusive of alcohol or drugs
Mentally unstable in any of its myriad possible forms
Financially irresponsible and deceptive
Generally irresponsible and deceptive
Covertly manipulative
Slanderous
Turning the children against him
An habitual adulterer
Lazy, having made no financial or other contribution to the marriage
Verbally or physically abusive
The smear campaign doesn’t end when he leaves. It escalates. He will use the family legal system to further denigrate, denounce, discredit, disempower you.
Then you will find that it is not just malicious gossip that you are up against, but slander under oath that actually has the power to strip you of your home, your finances, your personal and professional reputation, and your children. Post Separation Abuse.
You will need every ounce of courage, strength, self-love and self-respect to withstand the bullying metered out to you by him and his lawyers – and possibly your own lawyers who cannot recognise the inherent injustice in the system in which they are entrenched. He will have you over a barrel. It will feel like the lawyers are holding you down while he repeatedly rapes you with a foreign object – the law.
You have a choice. Resort to his and his lawyer’s bullying abusive tactics, or hold the high moral ground and try to fight his lies with the Truth. Which kind of person do you want to be?
©Margot MacCallum
