Callous Disregard

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Understanding Empathy Deficit

This blog is written for female survivors of male perpetrators.

EMPATHY THEORY

Imagine there is a circuit in the brain - the empathy circuit –that determines how much empathy each of us has.

At Level 0, an individual has no empathy at all. When it is pointed out to them that they have hurt another person this means nothing to them….. cannot experience remorse or guilt.

At Level 1, a person may still be capable of hurting others but they can reflect on what they have done to some extent and show regret.

At Level 2…..they have enough empathy to realise they have done something wrong when another person’ s feelings are hurt. However, they typically need the feedback from that person, or from a bystander, to realise that they have over- stepped the mark.

At Level 3, a person knows they have difficulty with empathy and may try to mask or compensate for this. They may realise they just don’t understand jokes that everyone else does, that other people’s facial expressions are hard to read, and that they are never quite sure what’s expected of them They just want to be alone, to be themselves.

At Level 4, (a person is) more comfortable when the conversation shifts to topics other than the emotions. More men than women are at Level 4.

At Level 5, individuals are marginally above average in empathy, and more women than men are at this level. Here friendships may be based more on emotional intimacy, sharing of confidences, mutual support, and expressions of compassion.

At Level 6, we meet individuals with remarkable empathy who are continually focused on other people’s feelings and go out of their way to check on these and to be supportive. 

“The Science of Evil. On Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty”, Simon Baron-Cohen, Basic Books, New York, 2011.

There is nothing wrong with you! Expecting empathy from your intimate partner is reasonable!

One of the most differentiating and hurtful characteristics of the narcissistic sociopath is their serious empathy deficit. Living with someone who has “a profound indifference to the suffering his actions cause others” or “callous disregard” can be debilitating over time. Hurt after hurt after hurt. Invalidation, objectification, dehumanisation.

There are times when all of us can lack empathy. There are times when our ‘us and them’ mentality get the better of us and we cannot put ourselves in the shoes of others. In fact, I’d say our culture, our world is heading further and further into a place where lack of empathy is commonplace. Just look around you. Look at the bigotry racism misogyny xenophobia that has now become mainstream in our media and political landscapes. Look at the epidemics of narcissism and bullying on ‘social media’.

There’s a lot of it about. Lack of empathy. Snobs lack empathy. Racists lack empathy. Homophobes lack empathy. No empathy for a certain group of people. But a narcissistic sociopath’s lack of empathy affects first and foremost the people in their intimate lives. The people close to them. The people who love and trust them the most.

A lack of empathy is what makes certain personalities so able to climb the corporate or social ladder, so able to manipulate others for their own gain, so able to do the hurtful things they do. No shame, guilt or conscience hinders their progress in the way it might for us. The scientists say this can be explained by a problem in the pre-frontal cortex of the brain, but who cares? They are the way they are. And they are dangerous.

“One doesn’t have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient.”

(Charles M Blow, quoted from http://psychopathsandlove.com/objectification-and-dehumanization-in-abusive-relationships/)

Recognising a serious lack of empathy can be difficult from afar, especially when the empathy-deficient person has a sophisticated false persona or image that looks charming and considerate on the surface. It is especially difficult to recognise a profound lack of empathy in the idealisation phase of a relationship with a narcissist or sociopath because in order to hook you, they morph themselves into everything you ever wanted – we all tend to either confide or unconsciously project what it is we want from an intimate partner in the early stages of a relationship.

A profound lack of empathy slowly reveals itself over time. As the relationship progresses through the devaluation phase, the victim can experience tremendous confusion because the sociopath partner just doesn’t behave in ways we might fairly expect a partner to behave. He is never there for you when you need him. He belittles and demeans your needs while reinforcing that his needs are paramount. If you are ‘an empath’ (highly empathic person), you might fall into step with this rule, and blame yourself for being too needy or having expectations that are unreasonable, just as he keeps telling you.

While you are getting busier and busier trying to regain the central position to his life that you appeared to occupy before the ‘wedding’ by ignoring your own needs too, he is gaining more and more control over your emotional life. He doesn’t understand. He just doesn’t get it. He genuinely cannot see that it is not OK to lie to you, cheat on you, slander you behind your back, ignore you when you are sick, blame you for everything, treat you with contempt, complain about your ‘issues’. Use you for his own ends. Treat you like a convenience.

Issues? As the intimate other in proximity with a narcissistic sociopath, we are slowly starved of the normal human nourishment we gain from loving intimate relationships. We are left out in the cold. Our emotional life slowly becomes a battleground of depression, low self-esteem, shame, unresolved non-directional anger, loss of identity and physical illness after illness after illness. Living with a zero-empathy partner, parent or colleague almost inevitably creates 'issues' in someone with normal empathy levels.

What we cannot understand, what we cannot get is that these personal issues are the direct result of placing our love and trust in a person with a serious empathy deficit. We are being treated with a total lack of respect and blaming ourselves for not being worthy of respect. We can get into a cycle of trying to be perfect – like his perfect public persona - to gain respect from him and his enablers. The perfect wife, the perfect cook, the perfect concubine, the perfect housekeeper, the perfect handbag.

It is easy to overlook some of the red flags of a serious empathy deficit in someone we love. As separate incidents or traits, some of the warning signs can be easily dismissed as, “it’s just a man thing”, or “plenty of people are like that”, or “even I do that sometimes”.  Especially if we don’t know about psychopathy or profound narcissism (or autism, which shares some of the characteristics, but in reverse).

The difference between zero-empathy in autism and zero-empathy in psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists is complex, but here is a simple explanation from an expert:

“…people with Asperger Syndrome do care about others, whilst struggling to ‘read’ them. [Sociopaths] don’t care about others, while at the same time ‘read’ them with ease.”

“The Science of Evil. On Empathy and the Origins of Cruelty”, Simon Baron-Cohen, Basic Books, New York, 2011, P109.

There is nothing wrong with you! Expecting empathy from your intimate partner is reasonable!

 ©Margot MacCallum